About My Wife

15, 20, 25, Umm, a whole lotta’ things I love about my wife that you may not know…

Linda never really complains that I don’t buy her cards, but she buys them for me anyways. In a feeble attempt to negate this habit of her profiting Hallmark anymore, I always first look at the back of the card, at the smallest print, and say, “$1.99? $1.99? Is that all I am worth too you?” (Or, as she says, I am a nickel looking for a dime)

So, in attempt to repay (in more ways than you can imagine) her for all those cards, here is my birthday card to Linda.

Linda has jumped out of plane (and not to escape from me): Linda has always been adventurous, even going so far as to skydive. Why anybody would jump out of perfectly save plane is beyond me, but she has and lived to tell about it.

Dude-Slayer – Hey dude! Hey dude! (one too many times): Linda heard, “Hey dude!” one too many times in Southern California. As nice as SoCal can be, she had it with the inarticulate dude-sayers. After more than two decades we moved from California to Washington state.

Linda has turned into a coffee snob: I have heard more than once, “Why did you buy me these coffee beans?” Linda has turned into a coffee snob. Not in one of those obnoxious Starbucks order kind-of-ways (Venti one pump caramel, one half-pump white mocha, two and half scoops vanilla bean powder, extra shaved ice Frappuchino with two shots poured over the top (Apagotto style) with caramel drizzle under and on top of the whipped cream, double cupped. And, can you put a rush on that?), but in a refined taste sort-of-ways where she appreciates a good cup of fresh coffee.

Linda is a Snaughler: Linda has a great, very low, threshold to finding humor in many things. She often starts out with the hearty, infectious belly laugh that you might find from a guy at bar watching a stand-up comedian after six or seven beers. She then sometimes finds something so funny she injects a near snort into the sequence.

Some people find religion, Linda found the Seahawks: Who would have ever thought that someone who only watched the Super Bowl for the food and social interaction would suddenly convert into a SheHawk? I used to have the Sunday morning sports section all to myself, but now I find my wife intently staring at me while peering over the top of her front page section of the Seattle Times, waiting for me to put the paper down so she can snatch it up like a loose fumble for the defense. She utters phrases formerly unknown to her, and now speaks a Sunday language like something only Sumerian language scholars would understand:
• Did you see their CB get picked by the crossing pattern?
• The Mike linebacker faked the blitz then the weak side ‘backer and the DT run an X on the right tackle.
• I am glad it is raining. We have a better ground game than they do.
• Did you see Wilson faked the crap of the DE when he pulled the ball out of Marshawn’s belly on the read option?
• He touched the ball, he should have been able to catch it. Hold on to the ball!
• It’s third-and-short, run the damn ball up the middle.
• Back it up, back it up (at least I still control the remote). Look, he did a swim move to get that sack.
• Change the channel to Sports Center so we can watch the entire post game show.
• That salary cap is tough now, but in two years, it will be brutal.

Linda still calls her dad, “Dad”: She still loves her father the same way she did when she was just a little girl.

Linda loves her daughter very much, even those few times when the relationship gets strained: Like most families there is an ebb and flow on relationships. It was compounded in our family as Linda was the enforcer and the administrator of “tough love” when required. That has never diminished her unconditional love for Kenzie.

Linda has a great “poker voice”: There was one time when our daughter called from her school and was crying that her pet rabbit had died (yes, Kenzie snuck a rabbit, or two, into her single-person dorm room). Linda was very calm on the phone, talking about how the bunny had gone to a better place and how the bunny had been loved, and loved, so much. Kenzie continued to cry, but soon calmed down a bit. After they hung-up, Linda immediately started to cry saying how much she loved the bunny and how sad she was that the little “Bun-Bun” had died.

Linda has a great love for all animals, especially our cats: We have taken in strays (both human and animal), fed a group of feral cats for more than a decade, brought home more than one-too-many household cats from the local animal shelter and feed the quail and crows that like the daily bird seed we provide. I always tell people that if reincarnation exists, I want to come back as one of my wife’s cats.

Linda grew up on classical music, Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett and a diverse collection of groups such as Steely Dan and The Rolling Stones: She still listens to those artists, but has added jazz and even tolerates some of my R&B tunes.

Linda plays the piano and wants to learn how to play the harmonica: She is great on the piano, but the harmonica, well, it has a ways to go.

Linda dances like the Midwestern girl that she is: Just how is that you might ask? Just like you would imagine how a Midwestern girl dances. Now if I only can get her to use that pole I installed in the bedroom…

Linda is a great, self-taught cook: Whenever Linda finds something she enjoys, she immerses herself into it, learning all about it and wanting to excel. Of all her immersions, this is one of my favorites.

Continuing in the cooking vein…: Try and keep Linda away from milk infused products. She is lactose intolerant. If you are not sure what that means to me, imagine eating a large plate of beans, sauerkraut, a bunch of Mexican food, a few beers and then letting it digest for an hour to two. Of course the aforementioned concoction merely pales in comparison to the effect that lactose inflicts on my wife’s digestive system.

Staying on the topic of gas…: On those rare occasions when somehow, some way a small blip of gas might be emitted from my bowels, I am chastised, beaten, embarrassed and asked how I could possibly do that to her. Conversely, on those many occasions where gas is fires out like a flame-thrower set on the high position, Linda thinks it is not only funny, but cute that she did that. Just to prove how cute, she can keep it up for hours. Go figure.

Linda listens to Pandora when cooking in the kitchen: If you ever hear loud music around 5pm, that is my wife cooking in the kitchen. The longer it takes to prepare the meal, the louder the music gets.

CSI (Crime Supper-table Investigation): You can always tell where Linda sat at the dining table, as there is a ring of crumbs and food particles in a perfect sphere around where the plate formerly sat.

Even though Linda is a great cook…: She secretly enjoys a Double-Double at least once a year (don’t tell anyone).

Linda looks good in a hat – any hat, every hat: The weather of the Pacific Northwest sometimes dictates the clothing you must wear outside. Linda has assembled an array of beret hats to functionally stay warm, but stylish at the same time. Even though I always respond, “You look good in all your hats,” she always asks, “How do I look in this hat?”

Linda is multi-lingual: She speaks French, Spanish and a bit of Latin and these languages provide here with a great understanding of words – which she is not afraid of using in any situation. In addition, on occasion, she can speak “husband pissed-offness” a dialect that only women seem to know, understand and use.

Linda is a prolific reader: There is always a stack of books on the nightstand. Whenever we go away for the weekend, she has one bag just for her books. She not only reads a lot, she is a very fast reader.

There is an author inside, waiting to come out: Linda wants to write a book, is ready to write a book, but is waiting for that one passionate spark to ignite her abilities. She wants it to be right and she wants it to be perfect.

Linda enjoys historical dramas and, wait, wait… “chick flicks”: She loves movies about the British royalty and any movie in which the male leading character likes the mother of the female leading character. When this liking of the mother of the female leading character doesn’t occur, it is called an “action” flick. That is where I step in.

Linda attended Catholic school through high school: And she made it out OK. Of course it couldn’t have been that bad as our daughter attended Catholic school for eight years.

Linda’s very smart, even smarter than you think: Linda has the ability to comprehend, understand, assimilate and formulate a viable solution for almost any problem. I wouldn’t call her an egg head, well maybe… The only problem she hasn’t be able fully solve is typing right this moment.

Linda is very industrious: She put herself through college and law school by working all kinds of odd jobs from waitressing to retail to law clerking.

Linda has exceptional people skills: I can remember when we worked together and we had to meet with the board of a hospital to present our consulting project for their approval. There were about a dozen members, including one very cantankerous who we were warned about. Linda immediately began the presentation by speaking directly to him in a way that only she can. Soon she won him over and the rest of the board members approved our project. She never has to coerce…

Linda is exceptionally punctual: If you are five minutes early, you are late.

Linda fights for the underdog: Yeah, that is just the way she is.

Linda won’t acknowledge this: But she is slowly becoming a geek.

This card is made with 100% recycled thoughts.