Hip Replacement Surgery Tip #158: Just Like Sausage Making, You Don’t Want To Know How A Hip Replacement Is ‘Made’

Sausage. Good but how is it really made?

The Short (Sausage) Version Of How A Hip Is Replaced – Next time a friend casually asks you, “Hey, what have you been up to?” You are thankful for their specific request. You (gleefully) respond by saying, “Oh, I had my hip replaced.” They will often look at you with a bit of a puzzled expression (that is your cur). Then, without pausing, you strike:

1. Point to your hip, and say, “I wasn’t real excited about having my upper thigh and buttocks area sliced open with a 12″ incision.”
2. Then the orthopod and the assistant forcibly dislocated my hip (to a loud pop, I might add).
3. Next, in a procedure worthy of Vlad The Impaler, the head of my femur was sawed off, using essentially a mini chainsaw.
4. That was followed by having an 8″ hole power-drilled down the stem of my femur that remained.
5. Then, just like the Golden Spike during the building of the transcontinental railroad, a replacement metal femur spike (aka prosthetic) driven into place.
6. The doctor next reshaped the pelvic side of my hip and resurfaced to receive a receptacle cup.
7. This receptacle cup in then power screwed (yes, screwed – imagine Home Depot – aisle eight, on the bottom right) into my hip bone to receive the new femur head.

Just what goes into a hip replacement? More than you care to know.

The Longer Version

Animated: Take A Deep Breath, Then Watch An Animated Video Of A Total Hip Replacement – I can talk about the hip replacement surgery process to give you a perspective on what will happen during your surgery. But, in order to expedite your understanding of what actually happens to you, I have included an animated, three-minute video for you to watch for those who prefer the ‘cartoon version’ details.

In case you love graphic punishment, you can view two hip replacement videos here.

Pessimist: “Oh, this can’t get any worse!”
Optimist: “Yes, it can!”
Author Unknown

How To Share Your Hip Replacement With Friends, And Even Those You Barely Know ( The ‘R’ Rated Version) – The conversation goes something like this – A friend says, “Hey, what have you been up to?” You are thankful for their specific request. Your respond by saying, “I had my hip replaced.” Before they get a chance to comment, or ignore you, you keep talking, point to your hip, and say, “I wasn’t real excited about having my upper thigh and buttocks area sliced open, then having my hip forcibly dislocated (to a loud pop, I might add). Next, in a procedure worthy of Vlad The Impaler, the head of my femur was sawed off, followed by having a hole drilled down the stem of my femur that remained and then a replacement femur spike (aka prosthetic) driven in. This was followed by having my hip reshaped and resurfaced to receive a receptacle cup screwed (yes, screwed – imagine Home Depot – aisle eight, on the bottom right) into my hip bone to receive the new femur head.”

Here is the historical person, Vlad The Impaler, I use as a reference to describe the procedure.

The Bonus – Their Facial Expression – That above sequence is much easier to recite AFTER you have had the surgery. And, as a bonus, you get to see people’s faces look incredulous (imagine Edvard Munch’s The Scream painting) after you tell them what is involved. It is as if they have experienced some of your pain. While I can’t see your face to know if you understood the graphic details of the process, I might guess your eyes got a little wider if you didn’t. After your surgery, when your storytelling turn comes, watch the facial expressions of your friends and family – it makes all your pain go away.

After you tell your friends the exactly how hip replacement surgery works, this is how they will look.

You May Enjoy Eating Sausage, But You Don’t Want To Know How It Is Made – The same holds true for hip replacement surgery.

Now some people claim sausage is made of parts of the cow, pig, whatever, that we normally wouldn’t eat. And the exact ingredients can vary, depending on what the butcher shop has left over after a long day. In short, sausage making often includes a number of details that we’d rather not hear about. Nobody that eats sausage would like to think about all the details of how it is made. So, just like sausage making, most people really don’t want to know what is involved in a hip replacement.

And that, my inquisitive friend, is how hip replacement sausage is made.

How To Share Your Hip Replacement With Friends, And Even Those You Barely Know ( The ‘G’ Rated Version) – There are always some people that I just don’t know that well or they are just not ready for the graphic details of how a hip is replaced, so I share the ‘G’ rated version with them. I always believe in telling the truth so, when they ask, “Hey, what have you been up to?” Seizing the opening, I pause, take a deep sigh, then proceed to proudly demonstrate, like when I was in fourth grade, when presented with my first 4H Blue Ribbon. I always show (even if they haven’t asked) someone my hip replacement surgery scar.

Like A Model – Since I am usually wearing shorts, I slightly, and slowly, pull down on the waistband of my shorts, dropping it down just to the top of my femur (not to exceed the ‘R’ rating). I simply point to the top end of my scar and then I slowly run my finger to the other end, as if I were a model demonstrating a luxurious skin care product. As I reach the end of my nine inch scar, and see their eyes widen, I say, “Oh that? That is the scar from my second vasectomy. Now stand back and let me show you my hip replacement scar.” It is always good for a bit of sympathy, a rolling of the eyes, but, thankfully, it causes the person to go away.

Buy The Hip Replacement Book